Transcript

(Craig is doing his standup routine on the Late Late Show. The audience laughs in between many phrases in the video and most are not noted.)

Craig: It's a great day for America, everybody. I am happy to be alive today. I really am, actually, happy to be alive. Over the weekend--this is true--I was attacked by a killer shrimp. (audience laughs) Oh, you're laughing now. No, Saturday night I had a shrimp dinner. You know, I had a dinner where shrimp was involved, and I thought, well I have the upper hand here with the shrimp because I'm eating them. Wrong. I presumed victory too early. The results were ???. I blame myself, because last month on the show, we had crab week. Remember, the crab week graphic, where is it? (The crab week graphic shows up on the screen.) Crab week, there, ??? crab. Then there was lobster--including lobsters. Right? Yeah, it was terrific. People loved it. (audience applause) People loved it, it was the talk of the media. It was the talk of the media. It was the biggest thing in television, crab week, including lobsters. But here's the thing: I overlooked shrimp. And I upset the shrimp community and they had a riot. In my stomach on Saturday night. I won't go into the details, but let me just say that whole Cheryl Crow idea about using one piece of toilet paper, not possible. Not possible. (audience applause) Not pretty. Yes, the, uh, the planet may die a few years early because of my weekend. (shakes his fist) Take that trees. No, the--that shrimp really screwed up my weekend. I was supposed to go to St. Louis this weekend. I was gonna do a show for the people at IBM. They're having a conference in St. Louis, I was gonna go there, and I--I couldn't. Not only could I not get on the plane to go to St. Louis, I couldn't get in the car to go to the airport. Of course, IBM are familiar with viruses, but I think this is the first time, this is the first time they've been hurt by a stomach virus. Anyway, uh, I'm okay now. The, uh, the download is complete. So, my apologies to the folks at IBM. I'm terribly sorry. Um, I'm sure you've found other things to do in St. Louis. I'm terribly sorry. You wouldn't have liked it anyway. And of course the big story today, other than my pants, is, uh... is, uh, someone else's pants. It's uh ??? in Washington. You know, this, uh, ??? problem, the ???. Well, this woman named Miss Julia. (snaps his fingers). Miss Julia ran a high-class prostitution ring in Washington, D.C., and she is releasing the names of her clients, look. (A news article appears on the screen.) Yeah, "shock and awe". I'll bet there's shock and awe. Yeah, one of the Bush administration officials, ???, he's already resigned because of the scandal. It's starting to look like GOP stands for "gettin' it on with a prostitute". This is gonna be a problem. Gettin' it on with a prostitute.

(A promotional image for the Late Late Show is seen.)

Notes