Old Gregg

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Old Gregg

Video #002
Link: watch
Rating: Unknown
User: ANDOCO09
Date Added: November 18, 2009
Length: 10:44
Description: old greg
Category: Comedy
Tags: old greg full length funny
Views: 1,708,855
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Old Gregg is a fictional character portrayed by Noel Fielding. He was created for the "The Legend of Old Gregg", a 2005 episode of the TV series, The Mighty Boosh. He later went on to appear in the 2006 stage show, The Mighty Boosh. The name of the character is derived from an incident where a friend of Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding's, while at a festival in the middle of the night, heard a girl named Jessi Kennedy yelling "I'm Old Gregg!".

Old Gregg is a transsexual merman who occasionally refers to his vagina (which emits a blinding light) as his "mangina." He inhabits a cave below the lake in a village called Black Lake. Old Gregg is extremely fond of Bailey's Irish Cream, as well as being a watercolor painter. Old Gregg falls in love with Howard, even though Howard is annoyed with him. He sings a song with him entitled "Love Games", chronicling his obsession and Howard's reluctance.

Old Gregg is first seen in the 2005 episode, "The Legend of Old Gregg" in which he meets and falls in love with Howard; who is then rescued by Vince. Old Gregg then joins Howard in the 2006 stage show, after tracking him down and having himself delivered in a box, where they sing a rendition of "Love Games" and are later seen kissing. Old Gregg last appeared in deleted scene from the 2007 episode, "Party", disguised as a woman who has taken a liking to Howard.

Old Gregg Transcript

Howard: Got something. I've got something! Ha! Come to Papa Moon. That's it, come on. (grunts)

Old Gregg: Hi there.

Howard: Who are you?

Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg. Pleased to meet you.

Howard: What do you want?

Old Gregg: Maybe I should ask you the same question. What you doing in my waters?

Howard: Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!

Old Gregg: Then how come this hook's in my head, fool?

Howard: It's nothing to do with me, sir.

Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!

Howard: Don't kill me, I've got so much to give.

Old Gregg: Easy now, fuzzy little man-peach, hmm? You ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe?

Howard: What?

Old Gregg: Wanna come to a club where people wee on each other?

Howard: No?

Old Gregg: I'm gonna hurt you.

Howard: Excuse me?

Old Gregg: I like you. What do you think of me?

Howard: I don't rightly know, sir.

Old Gregg: Make an assessment.

Howard: I think you're a nice, modern gentleman.

Old Gregg: Don't lie to me, boy!

Howard: I'm not lying!

Old Gregg: I know what you're thinking. Here comes Old Gregg, he's a scaly man-fish. You don't know me. You don't know what I got. I got something to show you. (bright light shines) You know what that is? That's Old Gregg's vagina. I've got a mangina! I'M OLD GREEEEEEEEGG! (Echoes)

(at Gregg's place)

Howard: What's happening?

Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg.

Howard: What?

Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg!

Howard: Where am I?

Old Gregg: Gregg's place. You've been asleep. Do you want a little drinky? I'll get you a drink. You like Bailey's? Mmmm... creamy. Soft, creamy beige.

Howard: Mmmm... delicious.

Old Gregg: Do you like Old Gregg's place? I've got all things that are good.

Howard: You've done some nice things with it.

Old Gregg: I've got this. This is good.

Howard: That's nice.

Old Gregg: You can have it.

Howard: I'm fine, thanks.

Old Gregg: I'll keep it here for you.

Howard: Well, is this the way ... out? Uhm, I better be scootin'. Got meetings and a friend of mine is waiting, so perhaps I should be...

Old Gregg: Why are you going? We got everything we need here. We got Bailey's... creamy. And everything we need. I'll get you another Bailey's.

Howard: I'm fine, thanks.

Old Gregg: I do watercolors.

Howard: Do you?

Old Gregg: Let me show you something. I call that one Old Gregg. And then that one I call Old Gregg. And this one, you know what I call that one?

Howard: Old Gregg?

Old Gregg: Yes sir, thank you sir. I got some more. I got these too. That one's Bailey's. That one's Bailey's a bit bigger. And that one's as close as you can get to Bailey's without your eyes getting wet.

Howard: Mmm, that is quite a portfolio you've got going on there. But I really should be heading off, so it's been good.

Old Gregg: We could do some watercolors together. You and I.

Howard: Well, that sounds like great fun. Let's do it in the week then Gregg.

Old Gregg: What do you mean?

Howard: Well, you free Thursday at all?

Old Gregg: Why can't we do it now?

Howard: Well, you know, I'm a busy man, Gregg. You know, I got things to do. Howard Moon, man about town. (laughs awkwardly)

Old Gregg: Do you love me?

Howard: Oh dear.

Old Gregg: Do you love me?

Howard: Umm, gonna have to pretend I didn't hear that, Gregg.

Old Gregg: You think you could ever love me?

Howard:Uh, it doesn't really work like that, Gregg.

Old Gregg: How does it work? Tell me how it works.

Howard: Well, you get to know someone, you hang out, you see where that goes. This, that, the other, eventually... you know. I don't know you!

Old Gregg: You know me, hmm? What about the boat times?

Howard: That wasn't really a time, was it, Gregg? That was more of just a... an exposure.

Old Gregg: That was our first date, hmm? You pulled me up with your strong arms!

Howard: Oh dear, look, Gregg, I don't know you!

Old Gregg: Oh, you know me. You've seen my downstairs mix-up.

Howard: Yeah, I didn't ask to see that, did I?

Old Gregg: What did it mean to you to see that? Did it mean you love me?

Howard: No, It didn't.

Old Gregg: Could you learn to love me?

Howard: No, I couldn't. I don't love you!

Old Gregg: You do love me.

Howard: No, I don't!

Old Gregg: You do love me.

Howard: No, I don't.

Old Gregg: You love me and you've seen me and you know me. I'm Old Gregg!

Howard: Yeah, I know you are. You've told me 89 times now.

Old Gregg: You must love me exactly as I love you.

Howard: Well, I don't love you and to be honest you're starting to get on my nerves a bit now. If anything I find you slightly pathetic, so deal with that!

Old Gregg: Maybe I will deal with it. Hmm? Maybe I'll deal with it the way I dealt with Curly Jefferson!

Howard: You know what Gregg? Maybe I was being a bit hasty there, uh, when I said I didn't love you. Perhaps now in this light with you in the tu-tu and the water playing off your... seaweed. Maybe I could love you. Maybe I was lying because when you do love someone sometimes you say you don't because you're playing hard to get, playing a game.

Old Gregg: Games?

Howard: Yeah, I was just playing a game with you.

Old Gregg: Love games?

Howard: That's right, love games, Gregg.

(funky music starts)

Old Gregg: Love games?

Old Gregg: (starts singing) Do you love me?

Are you playing your love games with me?

I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now.

Do you love me?

Are you playing your love games with me?

I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now.

Howard: Moving too fast, this isn't a race.

Mmmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now.

Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm.

Moving too fast, this isn't a race.

Old Gregg: Do you love me?

Are you playing your love games with me?

I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now.

Howard: Moving too fast, this isn't a race.

Mmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now.

Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm.

Moving too fast, this isn't a race.

Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg!

Howard: I know, I think you saaaaid.

Old Gregg: Come on, don't make me beg now.

'Cause I'm not your regular guy!

Both: Don't be shy! Do you love me?

Howard: Well you put on a nice spread, Gregg.

Old Gregg: I did home economics.

Howard: Really...

Old Gregg: I got an A+. I did a crumble. The teacher said mine was the best one.

Howard: Well I'm very pleased for you.

Old Gregg: You don't look happy Howard.

Howard: You're picking up on that, are you?

Old Gregg: I could make you happy Howard. If only you'd let me.

'Howard: 'Oh, not another watercolor.

Old Gregg: You're a musician, yeah?

Howard: Yes I am.

Old Gregg: Butchya ain't very good, are ya?

Howard: I'm one of the best in town.

Old Gregg: Come on, I read your reviews. Hmm? You know what your problem is?

Howard: What?

Old Gregg: Ya ain't got the funk. You're all rigid. Hmm? You're like a breadstick. You got no rhythm.

Howard: Yeah, well I've heard all this sort of stuff before thank you.

Old Gregg: Well maybe I could help you. I got the funk.

Howard: Yeah I know, you're very funky Gregg.

Old Gregg: No, no. You don't understand. I mean, I got the funk, right here. It's in this box.

Old Gregg: You see, the funk is a living creature. It's about the size of a medicine ball, but covered in teats. Came from another planet. Landed on Bootsy Collins' house. Back then Bootsy was just a simple farmer, but he took one look at all those moldy titties and lost his mind. He began to milk the funk. Made himself a funk shake. He began to feel fizzy inside. He found he could see around corners. Suddenly, he passed out. But when he came to, baby, he was slappin' a bass guitar fast and loose like some sort of delirious funky priest. Two months later, he was world famous with his band Parliament, and everybody wanted a piece of the funk. Rick Wakeman, even the Bee Gees. One day, Parliament were traveling on the mothership, foolin' around with the funk, when George Clinton, kicked the funk clean overboard. And that was July the 2nd, 1979, "the day the funk died"... Two weeks later, I found the funk, in bed with a conga eel. At first I thought it was a sea anenome, but under closer inspection I realized it was a funky ball of tits from outer space. I offered to take him back to Parliament, but he said he was done with dat shit, and that they never listened to him anyway, and were only interested in his funky bra juice.

Old Gregg: So I let him live down here with me in this cave.

Howard: That was a nice story Gregg. What's it got to do with making me happy, exactly?

Old Gregg: I've got a proposition for ya. Hmm? We could take the funk, make ourselves some tasty shakes, travel the world, in a band. We'd become famous. We'd be the Family Funk.

Howard: What? And we can get out on dry land and get out of this place?

Old Gregg: Yes sir.

Howard: Well let's do it, let's move. Come on!

Old Gregg: Okay.

Howard: Let's do it!

Old Gregg: Just one condition.

Howard: What?

Old Gregg: That you take my sweet hand in marriage.

Howard: Oh god...

Old Gregg: Think about it Howard. Funky freedom for marriage. You get what you want, Old Gregg get's what he wants. Hmm? A strong man to hold me at night when it's raining outside.

Howard: And we can get out of this cave forever?

Old Gregg: You bet your life. Do you accept?

Howard:I do.

Old Gregg: Great. You've made me very happy. Old Gregg's gonna pick himself out a nice wedding dress. That's right. Crack open a fresh Bailey's. I'm Old Gregg!

Old Gregg

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