The Cloak

In a race against communism, the Cloak and his side-kick Robert Mitchum's Head discover and put an end to a plot to take over the world...from a toystore!

The current YouTube video (added January 10, 2008) has over three million views and has been favorited over 36 thousand times.

YouTube Video Discription

Video and description by SecretAgentBob

Fighting against communism with the help of his side-kick, Robert Mitchum's head!

The Cloak(10:32)
147 views

Transcript

(intro music)

The Cloak Starring: The Cloak And the disembodied head of film noir legend: Robert Mitchum

(A flaming molotov cocktail shoots out from a window, explosions and people screaming are heard in the background. The camera focuses in through the window. The Cloak is seen shooting molotov cocktails and the dismembered head of Robert Mitchum juggling chalupas with his spine and singing. The phone rings.)

'Robert': (singing) So on the winds we sailed forth on a sea of chalupas. Chalupas!

Cloak: Hey Robert, can you get that?

Robert: When out of the ocean, the great Chalupa King, he comes with his mighty bolt of electric lightning fury.

Cloak: Can you, uh...can you answer it? I'm kinda...kinda busy. Yeah, Robert! We're done with the chalupas now, okay?

Robert: (singing) My chalupas I defend!

Cloak: Yeah, Robert. We're, we're done with the chalupas now, okay?

Robert: (singing) From the king of the great chalupacy, with his hands of modern steam-powered engine of the future. $6.99 for a value meal, $6.99 for a value meal!

(Cloak fires flaming arrow at a chalupa and it hits the wall, setting the building on fire. The rest of the chalupas fall.)

Robert: Aww.

(The Cloak picks up the phone.)

Cloak: Hey, you've reached the Cloak! Private investigator and lifelong fighter of the international communist conspiracy, how may I help you?

Voice on phone: Hey. How's it goin'?

Cloak: Meet me at the pier at midnight. We will stare out at the ocean one last time.

(Cloak hangs up the phone.)

(silence)

Robert: What?

Cloak: What do you mean, 'what'?

(silence)

Robert: I MEAN WHAT?!?!

(The phone rings again, Cloak answers.)

Cloak: Hey, Antonio!

Voice on phone: Uh, no. This is Aurek. I called a second ago and you hung up on me.

Cloak: Your name is Aurek?

Voice on phone: Yeah.

Cloak: Is that a... Russian name?

Voice on phone: No, it's Polish.

Cloak: Good! Between you and me, I think the Ruskies need a good kick in the balls. Right in the testicles, the source of their commie power.

Voice on phone: I need your help. It's my iguana, Joshua. He's joined a cult!

Cloak: Hmm, yes, well, Antonio, do you have any idea which cult has ensnared your poor lizard?

Voice on phone: Yes. It's the National Libertarian Party.

Cloak: This could be serious. Like, AIDS serious. When was the last time you saw your iguana?

Voice on phone: About a week ago. They won't let him come back home! I'm lonely here with all my...my furniture and purchased goods. All my objects...

Cloak: Depressing. Despondent. Woeful! Other synonyms for sad. I'll help you find your economically conservative and socially liberal iguana, good sir. Don't you worry.

Voice: Yay! You fill me with happiness, my sweet walrus!

Cloak: I do my best to fill things... Now our services are $25 an hour and an extra $100 when we find your gator.

Voice: I'll give you $5 and the biggest hug you've ever seen!

Cloak: Well you've got yourself a slap-happy, butt-smackin' deal, good sir! By the way, we don't take Andorra currency.

Voice: Yeah, no, I was just gonna pay you in regular dollars. I don't even know what Andorra is.

Cloak: It's a principality between France and Spain. The people there are dirty.

Voice: Right. Well, let me give you my information here...

(The Cloak hangs up.)

Cloak: What kind of a world do we live in, Robert? We've got to do something about it!

Robert: Okay! (Robert pulls a cat out from behind some lockers and puts it in a microwave. The microwave is heard running for a few seconds and the cat meows. An explosion is heard, and blood spatters against the wall.)

Robert: Oh no!

(Robert begins moaning in a distressed manner, and bangs his head against the table, then drags the microwave off-camera. The scene changes to a graveyard. A recently covered grave with the microwave's plug hanging out and a crude wooden cross with 'Mittens' scribbled across it is seen.)

Robert: Oh, Mittens!

(Robert's forehead lifts as if by a hinge, and he pours a yellow beverage onto his exposed brain. The Cloak enters.)

Cloak: Mr. Mitchum, we've got totally serious work to do. Antonio and his fine, fine iguana are counting on us. And that's a bond, Robert, a bond which sucks on the chocolatey nipple of time. Oh, I almost forgot! Let's go grab a board game; tonight's Family Fun Night! (The scene changes to a toy store. The Cloak and Robert are in front of a toy shelf.)

Cloak: Can you believe this, Robert?

Robert: I believe in America!

Cloak: My precious childhood is being raped right in front of my eyes, and by Eskimos, no less, with their cold, feely hands! Look at all these toys! They're all covered in protective, kid-friendly safety foam! You could throw a kid down the stairs and he'll be fine! Why do you need... why do you need safety foam? And worse yet, they're all set to brainwash kids into believing things like friendship, sharing, and leading a healthy lifestyle! "Oh, hey! It's Henry, the health-time careburger, and he's come over to give you half his juice box 'cause he's just nice like that!"

Robert: By Jove, we've done it! Pull the hatch forward! What year is it, good sir?

Cloak: This isn't what kids need! Kids need menacing toy tanks with sharp metal edges that slice through their tender young skin when they play just a little too rough. They need commandos with attachable cigarettes for putting out in the eyes of their enemies. They need BB guns and hatchets and vials of goat urine...

(An employee of the store approaches.)

Employee: Hey, uh, need any assistance?

Cloak: You may just be able to assist me, good sir! Can you tell me why you support this obvious communist plot to corrupt our youth and turn them into a bunch of take-only-what-you-need, love-the-earth pansies?

Employee: Yeah, you'll wanna take that up with management.

Cloak: Oh, this goes much higher than management. This goes straight to the top of your twisted corporate ladder! You know, I wonder if all these sudden outbursts are going to have an adverse affect on my blood pressure. I mean, I - I'm not feeling too well lately, I mean I, I don't take really good care of myself as it is and I don't have medical insurance, so, you know...

(The scene changes to the office of a man in a suit. The Cloak and Robert drop down through a ventilation shaft.)

Cloak: You!

Man: Yes, me! Can I help you?

Cloak: Are you the CEO of Toy Barn?

Man: That I am! I'm enjoying my window!

('Cloak takes out an axe and throws it, embedding it in the CEO's face, who then drops dead.')

Cloak: And that's what you get. You get my Axe of Capitalism, right in your face.

(silence)

Cloak: Huh. By now as a communist he should have either dusted or turned into a giant red squid of some sort...

(Robert begins to feel the corpse's pockets, then pulls out a wallet.)

Cloak: Any thing, uh, interesting in there?

Robert: Hmm, he's got a "Temple Recommends" card.

Cloak: Aw, well crap! He's not a communist, he's a Mormon! Which explains his company's bizarre need to make everything obnoxiously bright and friendly... and well-dressed...

Robert: Someone.

(silence)

Cloak: Was there, like...any more to that statement, or...

Robert: Shut up, just shut your mouth!

Cloak: All right, well we gotta get his body out of the building. Oh, how 'bout seafood for lunch?

Robert: I like shrimpies!

Cloak: Yes, and I myself am in the mood for some... (blissful music)...delicious crab meat... (music stops playing) All right, seafood it is!

(The Cloak and Robert are in the building lobby, Cloak with the dead CEO inside of his cloak. They stop in front of the security guard at the door.)

Cloak: (pretending to be CEO) Hello, fine citizen! You need not worry, because I, the CEO of this very company, am going out to procure some delicious, edible food substances! Would you like me to pick you up a cabbage or maybe some eggplants?

Guard: You've got an axe in your face.

Cloak: Hah! Well you've got an axe in your face!

(The guard pats his face.)

Guard: No.

(Silence, then the Cloak throws his axe in the guard's face, killing him.)

Cloak: Ahh, the winds of March... Or is it the tides of March? I think the "Winds of March" is a song by Journey...

(Robert and Cloak in graveyard standing on a grave. Cloak is holding a shovel and panting.)

Cloak: Aww man, we forgot about Family Fun Night!

Robert: I want to be the battleship!

Cloak: No! No! You're always the battleship! You can be the shoe. I wanna be the battleship for once.

Robert: You could be the meridian vase!

Cloak: The, the what?

Robert: The meridian vase!

Cloak: Uh, yeah, I don't understand what you're--

Robert: Someone's coming!

(A police officer enters.)

Cop: Hey. How's it goin'?

Cloak: Hey! It's a...it's a rather swell night, isn't it?

Cop: I'm a cop. I'm an officer of the law.

Cloak: Why, yes you are. Ah, you are. And don't let anyone tell you that you're not.

Cop: I enforce the law. And laws and codes and statutes and other things that require the enforcement of a police department employee.

Cloak: Why, that is in fact your very job description!

Cop: Yeah, so looks like you may be breakin' some laws out here tonight.

Cloak: Well, let's see: I've murdered the CEO of a toy company and his faithful floor security guard, and now I'm burying their axed up bodies in the former grave of a Mr. P Widdlestone! The late Mr. P Widdlestone I've dug up and thrown in a canal across the street to make proper room for his casket's new residents! ...Or did I? I might be completely innocent.

Robert: Dearest me, I've forgotten my tulips!

Cop: Well, I do think that there are indeed a series of laws that have been broken here.

(Silence. The Cloak pulls his axe out and attempts to throw it at the cop, who shoots it out of his hands.)

Cloak: Holy freedom fries! Quickly, Robert, run!

(The scene changes to the inside of a clocktower.)

Cloak: Well, it seems the law has been laid down, Robert.

Robert: What's the law?

Cloak: Harsh and unforgiving. And now we're on the lam, outcasts of society. Pushed away from the large warm bosom of Lady America. It's not fair, Robert, I want that bosom!

Robert: Well, you did axe up two innocent people.

Cloak: Yeah, but one of them was a Mormon! Freakin' Mormons with their freakin' dress shirts and ties and...secret underwear, and always ringing my doorbell at dinnertime when I'm trying to enjoy my... (blissful music plays again) delicious crab meat... (music stops) Ah, well, what's done is done, you can't linger in the past.

(knock on door)

Cloak: Huh, I wonder who that is...

(He opens the door. A hobo is standing in the doorway.)

Hobo: Hey, would you like to buy some jumbo shrimp?

Cloak: Are you serious? I'm hiding out in a clocktower, what do you think?

Hobo: Oh, this is some high quality shrimp I've got here. Some tasty, tasty shrimp, none of which I've licked.

Cloak: Uh, no. We don't want any shrimp.

Robert: Aww, but I like shrimpies!

Cloak: Robert, we're not buying any shrimp. I'm sorry.

(The Cloak slams the door. More knocking is heard. The Cloak opens it once again.)

Hobo: Yeah, hey, uh, sorry to bother you again, uh... Would you happen to have, like, a fork or something that I could buy? I have this can of spagetti but nothing to eat it with so, if you have like a fork, or a spoo--oh, if you have a spork!

Cloak: Okay, that's it, we're leaving. Oh, actually, you know what? Let me do one thing before we go...

(The Cloak pulls out a rifle and fires it out the window. A scream is heard.) Haha! Oh, did you see that? He... he just like collapsed, like, instantly...! Takin' a picture with my mind, that one's going in the memory book! Ahah! It's always been, like, a dream of mine to shoot someone from a clocktower. I just, I never thought I'd get the chance, you know?

(The Cloak and Robert are back inside the building they started in.)

Cloak: Well, another day, another case solved.

(Phone rings, Cloak answers.)

Cloak: Hello?

Voice on phone: Hey! Did you find my iguana?

Cloak: Antonio, communism is a mistress that you later find out is a mister, and no number of salt baths will ever rinse you of the shame.

(The Cloak hangs up.)

Hey, Robert, you ever wonder if like, somewhere out there in space, there's another planet exactly like ours, and like, another--another office with people in it exactly like us? Except they're like tacos? Like, like taco people?

Robert: Chalupas?

Cloak: Yes. Sexy, sexy chalupas. And I would be the sexiest chalupa of them all.

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Hey Robert, can you get that?

(Robert opens the door. The SWAT team enters and shoots The Cloak, presumably killing him.)

(credits)

The Cloak

created by Jason Steele

developed by Jason Steele Matt Books

voice of Aurek Robert Benfer

Special Thanks Stephanie Steele

Special Thanks Newgrounds.com

Filmcow.com